Monday, December 13, 2010

Things You Probably Shouldn't Have for Dinner

Joe's Bacon Cheddar Blue Burger
A1 and Pepperdoux's Pepper Sauce
Gee Wiz Cheese Whiz Tater Tots

Here's a tasty dinner to for you to enjoy while your wife is away.

  • One or two ground beef hamburger patties.
  • Ore Ida Tater Tots
  • Crumbled Blue Cheese
  • 2 Cheddar Cheese slices - mild, medium, or sharp. Your pick.
  • Cheeze Whiz
  • Sesame Seed Hamburger Buns
  • A1 Steak Sauce
  • Pepperdoux's Louisiana Pepper Sauce- Can't find Pepperdoux's in your store? You can order it here -
  • Salt and Pepper


  • Look at the side of the Tater Tot package and determine how many servings of tots you'll want and how long they'll take them to cook. Start them early. They take a while.
  • Season one or two hamburger patties with salt and pepper to taste.
  • Grill the hamburger patties to the temperature of your preference. I like mine medium well.
  • While the patties are frying or grilling, put some Cheese Whiz in a bowl and pop it into the microwave. Heat until smooth. Be careful though, Cheeze Whiz tends to boil over quickly. Not sure why, but it probably has something to do with the molecular qualities of the synthetic compounds that make up the "cheese." At any rate, don't turn your back on it for long or you'll have a big mess on your hands, not to mention that you'll be short one of the prime ingredients in this meal.
  • A few minutes before the tots and hamburger patties are done frying or grilling, toast a sesame seed bun.
  • As the hamburger patties are finishing up, place two slices of cheddar cheese on them and let the cheese melt.
  • Now everything should be finishing up. The patties are done, so turn off the heat. Re-heat the Cheeze Whiz just a tad if needed (again, watch that it doesn't boil over at this critical juncture), pull the tots out of the oven, and wait for the ding of the toaster to tell you that the buns are nicely toasted.
  • Place the buns on your plate of choice. Make it a big plate. A platter is even acceptable. You'll want room for extra tots and Cheese Whiz overflow.
  • Take a hamburger patty with melted cheddar cheese and flip it on to the bottom portion of the bun so that the cheddar cheese is touching the bun.
  • Now, place blue cheese crumbles on the top of the hamburger.
  • Drizzle A1 Steak Sauce over the blue cheese and burger. It is good if some of the steak sauce drips down the sides of the burger and mingles with the cheddar cheese on the bottom.
  • Splash some Pepperdoux's Pepper Sauce on to the blue cheese and A1 Steak Sauce. Again, drippage is acceptable and welcome.
  • Put the top half of the bun on to the burger. You might have to smash it down a bit.
  • Surround the burger with tatter tots.
  • Now the fun part, take your delicious Cheeze Whiz an and drizzle all over the tater tots. You might want to even lift the bun on the burger and drizzle a little there too.

You're all set now. Grab some napkins, lots of napkins, a favorite beverage, and head to your favorite chair in front of the T.V.and turn on a good "guy's movie" to watch while consuming your heavenly masterpiece. And while eating your burger and tots, it helps to make lots approving comments and sounds like "Oh man" or "Mmmmmppphhh."

When you're done, or over done as the case will probably be, push the plate to the side, unbutton the top button on your pants (unless you planned ahead and put on sweat pants), sink a little lower in the chair and wallow in self loathing while you continue to watch your movie. You might even try to venture to the kitchen for a little sweet treat to finish things off properly; Cookies, ice cream, cake, it's up to you. My choice was zesty lemon sorbet. It's fat free, so it helped cancel out some of the time I had to spend in self loathing after eating the burger and tots. Just remember to button your pants before tryign to walk to the kitchen.

Full and over satisfied now, just relax, don't move unless absolutely necessary, and enjoy your movie. Embrace your coma. Even enjoy the commercials. No need to even move a muscle to find the remote to switch channels. Just lodge yourself in the chair and enjoy. If you're the type that tends to fall asleep though, make sure you have an alarm of some sort ready to help wake you up in time before your beautiful bride gets home. You'll need to clean up the kitchen and possibly any other room you've ventured with the "meal." You might want to change your shirt too and scrub any cheeze stains from your chin. I find that a shower and a complete change of clothes is in order.

Until Next time...Cheers!


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